gettingittogether

I just thought about a previous blog entry that featured radioactive hip-hop bunny suits. I liked that one. Thinking back on it, I wonder why I don’t think more in the fantasy-absurdist realm. I like that place and want to be there more. Maybe if I get layed off I will have more time to explore that world. Although, I think that the stress of being poor again might hamper my glee at such things. Being broke, for me, brings a heavy fog into my life and colors everything I say and do. Its like I go into war mode. But maybe this time it will be different. Maybe I won’t be so upset about it. Maybe I’ll just take my unemployment check, buy canned beans and make my bean dinners with happiness. I always have to remember that in Haiti they eat mud patties.

There are earthquakes in the news. Special kingston earthquake headlines. Also in the news are these important topics that are way less important than the kingston earthquake:

 And what the fuck are “metrotix?” And what is this ubiquitous replacement of the words “tickets” and “pictures” with “tix” and “pix?” Metrotix! An urban infestation of tics? Metrotix exterminators! Got metrotix? Just call 1-800-tixbgone. Metrotix….

What does $1,028 mean to you? Do you think of it as a percentage of your income? Do you think about it against the $818 billion government stimulus package? Or, do you imagine it in stacks in front of a wide-eyed homeless person on the street? In terms of how much money exists in the world, $1,028 is not a lot of money. But here is what it will buy me: 1) Reliable transportation for at least the next 6-8 months 2) The pleasure of driving around in a cool car 3) The comfort of knowing that I am mobile in a city that requires residents to own a car 4) The right to get out of two tickets — one from Ozona, TX and one from Austin, TX. And, if I divide $1,028 by 8 months, that comes out to a transportation fee of approximately $128.50 per month, and that’s way lower than a payment on a new car. And if the car lasts for an entire year, that payment lowers to $86. The car is a 1985 Vovlo 240 GL and the motor is in great shape. If I buy a new car, I will blow way much more money. What would you do: fix the car for $1,028 or buy a new (used) car? Ugh. We’re having a meeting at my office in a half hour. If it seems like I’m going to get layed off, I won’t fix the car. If it looks like I’m keeping my job, I’ll fix the car. 

The piping plover, an exotic bird off the eastern coast of Key West, managed to reproduce 3 1 1 piping plover babies as part of the island’s “311 rule.” Enacted on 3/11/20, the 311 rule states that every piping plover bird must engage in bird intercourse no less than 311 times. Proponents of the rule claimed that too many piping plover birds were getting caught in the engines of low-flying planes and that the island needed to encourage piping plover reproduction. The TSA reported 311 dead little piping plovers in engines between 1920 and 1930. Since the 311 rule was enacted, the TSA has seen a significant decrease in piping plover casualties. For more information on the piping plover or the 311 rule, just google “piping plover” or “311 rule.” You can also go to Key West and visit the piping plover preserve, funded by the TSA for 311 dollars.

Vigilance can be fueled by anxiety. I thought this while my dentist scraped out crap from my gums, admonishing me: “we really need you to floss more.” This made me feel embarrassed and anxious. I was specifically attuned to her use of the pronoun “we;” it implies that there exists some cabal of earnest, caring teeth specialists who are thinking about my mouth 24 hours a day, continually generating new ways for me to improve my dental health, and in turn, my entire life. My insurance pays them to do this, naturally. But yeah, I felt anxious. It is anxiety that motivated me to make another dental appointment for next week. Anxiety often makes me act.

Everywhere I go, people are hanging upside-down. I look over at my gym and see them hanging, connected to bars by these blue ski-shoe looking contraptions that make them look like yuppie bats who sleep by day and shop at REI by night. I look at them and wonder, does the antigravity yoga help the blood get into their antigravity yoga bat brains? And does this antigravity yoga help them at their bobo-antigravity-yoga-bat jobs? Probably. These are the people who how must have the edge over the rest of us. They are the ones making the big decisions. And it all goes back to their anti gravity yoga hammocks, their crunch fitness routines, their bat-poses. Who the fuck are these antigravity yoga people, and will I ever have their power? Will I ever become an antigravity yogi bat?

More and more, people at my gym are hanging upside-down. I look over and see them hanging, connected to bars by these blue ski-shoe looking contraptions that make them look like yuppie bats who sleep by day and shop at REI by night. I look at them and wonder, does the antigravity yoga help the blood get into their antigravity yoga bat brains? And does this antigravity yoga help them at their bobo-antigravity-yoga-bat jobs? Probably. These are the people who how must have the edge over the rest of us. They are the ones making the big decisions. And it all goes back to their anti gravity yoga hammocks, their crunch fitness routines, their bat-poses. Who the fuck are these antigravity yoga people, and will I ever have their power? Will I ever become an antigravity yogi bat?

Do you like to pretend? Pretending to be someone else is fun. You get to invent a headspace for yourself in which you’ve never inhabited. It’s very exploratory and imaginative. I think when I pretend, I come back to my “real self” being able to integrate new characteristics of myself that come out in “pretend land.” Like at work, for example, I pretend to be responsible and on time. I inhabit this character who has expertise in a certain area, and I act like it. I tell people my opinions, I go to meetings on time, and perform my tasks accountably. This character leaks over into my personal life when I need to “get shit done.” I like it. I suggest everyone pretend.

Who thought to name this dish? Downstairs this morning there were a few “breakfast tacos” labeled as “pigs in a blanket,” and I thought about how uneasy this title made me feel. First of all, there is the word “pigs,” which refers to an animal. “Pigs” makes me queasy because I am a penitent omnivore. Who wants to think about eating a live animal, and more specifically, who wants to think about eating a little pig? Then there is the word “in,” which connoted restriction. We are to believe that the pig is being held against his or her will. This is disconcerting. This connotes violence. Then there is “blanket,” which connotes bedtime and warmness. So when we put all the words together, we get a sense of violence wrapped in a sense of comfort. This paradox bothers me. Will I eat another “pigs-in-a-blanket” style breakfast again?

Windows move. I think you have to recognize that a window isn’t always going to be there, that it moves, and that you need to be able to use it before it gets away from you. In any case, when a window is in front of you and you want to more clearly see out of it, I suggest Windex. Windex is cheap, blue, and doesn’t leave streaks. I even use it on my computer screen, which is notoriously KFC-greasy. Another thing I’d like to say about Windows in 100 words is that sometimes it’s better to just keep them covered. Sometimes you don’t want to see through them. In which case, do not use Windex.